Why do we waste our lives focusing on things we can’t control? Not being in control can feel scary, threatening, and create anxiety. Control is an illusion, but we cling to it anyway. 
Reinhold Niebuhr understood the futility of trying to control the uncontrollable when he wrote the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference.
In 1941 Alcoholics Anonymous began using the Serenity Prayer. The prayer was adopted because AA co-founder Bill W. and others recognized its powerful message of acceptance, courage, and wisdom for navigating the challenges of recovery and life.
Our quest for control can lead to misery. Our attempt to control has two negative effects: First, an attempt to control the behavior of others is a strategy that leads to repeated failure. Second, the attempt to control our feelings by focusing on others leaves us emotionally immature.
The Serenity Prayer helps us discover how to strike a balance between acceptance and change. We give our power to other people when we are hoping and waiting for someone to change and trying to manipulate a situation so we can be comfortable.
While researching this essay, I learned that the urge to control things comes from a very primal place: Fear. Fear of being excluded, of not being liked, of things falling apart – it shows up in all kinds of ways. We hover over our kids, making sure they make the “right” decisions. We try to influence our partner’s habits, worrying that if we don’t step in, they’ll somehow get it wrong. We even impose our opinions on friends, believing we know better than they do about how their lives should unfold.
So, what are the things we can and cannot control?
What we can’t control:
- That life will turn out the way we would like it to
- Other people, places, and things
- Illness
- The world situation
What we can control:
There’s so much you can control: Your attitude, your behavior, your your values, your needs, your desires, and what YOU want to do in response to what happens.
When you accept people as they are, and you choose not to focus on the way other people’s actions annoy, anger, frustrate or disappoint you, you may find the “Serenity” in the Serenity Prayer.
Reflection:
YOU get to be in control of what you think, what you say, and what you do.
Today’s Practice:
Consider welcoming equanimity: mental calmness, composure even in a difficult situation. Choose your battles wisely and ask yourself: “how important is it?”